The subject of body count is another area in which the double standards society holds when it comes to men and women is vividly shown.
Nope! I’m not talking about the number of people someone has killed or murdered. Sexually, BODY COUNT means the number of people a person has had sexual intercourse with. This is a conversation that shouldn’t have to come up in a relationship unless both partners are genuinely interested in knowing. Unfortunately, like a lot of things, women are often on the receiving end of this question.
“Ken was an amazing guy I met a few years ago and things started off slow at first because I’m a wild person and he had a lot of conventional traits. With time, we found our middle ground and realized things could be great. We went on a couple of dates and made things official. A month into it, we were relaxing one day and out of nowhere I hear; How many people have you slept with? I laughed because I thought and hoped he was joking. Things spiralled really quick from there. It became a constant argument topic because I didn’t think it was important and he felt he needed to know if I’ve been around. It was a big red flag for me so I opted out of the relationship eventually.” Ciara shared when asked if she has ever been confronted with the topic.
My question is, why has sexual body count become a big elephant in the room? When did it happen? Why do people not feel comfortable sharing the number of people they have been with? Why do some feel the need to lie about it.
“I’ve lied about my body count several times. It was all to girls I really liked. If I’m just looking to have a fling with a lady, I don’t mind sharing the actual number. With girls I like, I always felt they will label me or lose interest if they knew the number of women I’ve slept with. It’s been made to seem like a women issue but us men feel the occasional insecurity that comes with having a high body count too.” Nana Kojo shared.
The body count issue has gradually become a social construct where people’s value and worth are attached to the number of people they have slept with. A woman with a body count of 3 or less has been programmed to think she has a lot to offer compared to a girl with 15 or more body count. This is what fuels lies when the topic is brought up.
The energy is different if it’s a man though. A man with a body count of 3 or less will be laughed at by his friends and even women he meets up with while a man with a high body count is hailed for it.
Funnily, most men who ask these questions are men who have been around the block “too many times”. Women with high body count are tagged with derogatory names like “slut’ “hoe” etc. These are mean words that resonates with them every time and gradually chips away at their minds about how worthy they are of wholesome love and making them believe their worth really decreases with the number of men they have been with. Some of these situations escalate to the point where women stay in abusive and unhappy relationships because they do not want to add onto their body count.
“My ex and I dated for 2 years and I was unhappy and abused mentally for half of the time with him. Whenever I gathered the courage to leave, I changed my mind because leaving meant starting over elsewhere. I’m a very sexual person so it also meant finding someone or people to satisfy my sexual needs until I find myself in another relationship. My body count was 14 then and I was so worried about being with other people because I was busy trying to keep my body count in check.” Annie shared.
Is there a way to get rid of this stereotype and live your life?
I don’t think so. You can’t do anything about the past and it’s nearly impossible to change a social construct. You can’t change how people feel about your body count but you can change how you feel about your body count. Because sweetheart, deep down, it’s a constant reminder and issue for you because you believe your worth is linked to the number of people you’ve slept with. That is why you get uncomfortable when the question comes up or lie about the number to avoid being judged. Until you make the decision to alienate yourself from the general idea that the lesser your body count, the more value you bring to the table, you’ll keep lying and downplaying your worth.
Can you stop the questions from coming?
No, because, it’s not even supposed to be anybody’s business but in as much as I hate this statement, boys will always be boys. Not all of them but the higher percentage of guys feel entitled to knowing the number of partners their woman has had. The fewer the number, the more they feel they “bagged” a good woman or a solid one.
Next time the negative thoughts start creeping in, repeat to yourself:
SOCIETY SAYS: MY WORTH IS DIRECTLY LINKED TO MY SEXUAL BODY COUNT.
I SAY: MY WORTH ENCOMPASSES SO MUCH MORE THAN WHO I’VE HAD SEX WITH.