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Talk Your Pleasure: What is the Orgasm Gap?

Updated: Jul 28, 2022


“I’ve never had an orgasm. No man I’ve been with has been able to make me finish. My ex used to make me cum more than my current boyfriend, he can’t even find the clit.”

This is no blow to advocates of the orgasm gap and I am also not trying to diminish that it is a valid cause but whatever happened to women being responsible for your body. For centuries, sex has been made to seem like it’s only an enjoyable activity for the man because they finish and most women don’t. Whatever happened to take control of your pleasure. Considering the burden men carry around as natural caretakers, why are some women so adamant about adding their orgasms to the list of things men should do?

Contrary to what most sexually active people know/believe, orgasms aren’t the reasons for sex. Sex is a beautiful, sometimes messy tool for pleasure. Getting an orgasm is a part of this pleasure but orgasms shouldn’t be your sole reason for having an orgasm. When you place so much emphasis and focus on having an orgasm during sex, you only miss out on the feelings you’re meant to experience.

I’ve come across several social media posts mostly by heterosexual women bashing heterosexual men for their inability to give them an orgasm. I’ve had personal conversations with some female friends, acquaintances, and sometimes strangers who go ahead to undermine and ignore the part they play during sex while putting all the blame on their sexual partners.


“Sis, you need to start being responsible for your body. Communicate your needs to your partner. Tell them how to make you finish. It’s hypocritical that some women have zero knowledge of their bodies in their 20 or 30 years of living. Meanwhile, they put so much pressure on someone they’ve known for a month to suddenly figure out what works for them.”

When I talk about knowing your body, it isn’t limited to masturbation. That is the best way to know what works for you and what doesn’t but if you’re not a virgin, I believe you’ve figured out by now what things someone does to you that don’t elicit any sexual feelings from your body. Take note of those things and communicate them to your partner when the need arises.

“Unfortunately, most women are unable to communicate their needs because they grew up within purity culture. They already believe what they are doing is wrong while there is this twisted notion that a woman who knows her body

sexually may have been around the block too many times. Well, what if they have? Women need to work actively on taking responsibility and speaking up for their orgasms.”

This article will be biased if I do not address the role some men play in this dilemma.


“Most men are walking around with a sexual ego bigger than Johnny Sins’ so it makes it difficult for them to fathom the idea of listening to a woman tell them what they need to finish. Most women do not communicate because some men have fragile egos that need coddling.”

Granted you as a man may have been around the block a couple of times and lots of these girls may have told you how amazing your sex game is. Contrary to what you think though, vaginas are very individualistic. Something might work for 90% of the women you’ve been with but not all. Anna may have enjoyed it when you pulled on her hair but all it does to Lia is cause immense pain which doesn’t come with any form of pleasure. Stop generalizing when it comes to sex. Be willing and ready to be directed. You may think you know your way around but still, listen to her.

“If women used the energy they have to make social media jokes about men who can’t find the clit and trash talk men to their friends to communicate their needs to their sexual partners, the orgasm gap could be smaller, right?“

You could also make it easier by intermittently asking during sex whether the woman is enjoying what they’re doing.

Maybe next time I will talk about how to communicate your sexual needs to your partner.

“The point I’ve been trying to make is that both genders don’t seem to be helping each other much. The cross isn’t for one gender to carry. Sex is a mutually beneficial act. If you’re unwilling to pull your weight, stop blaming another gender. Take your L, wear your clothes and go have a non-sexual life.”



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