“Why did you stop? I didn’t mean it when I said stop.”
I have had the unpleasant chance of hearing some women complain about certain scenarios that blur the lines of consent and seem not to see anything wrong with it.
Consent is a necessary part of a healthy relationship. It simply means both parties mutually agree to an ongoing act. It can be rescinded at any time during the activity and at that moment, it is valid and should be respected by the other partner. A verbal and affirmative expression of consent can help both partners to respect and identify boundaries. When there is an activity going on and one party says “Stop, I don’t want this.” Consent has been withdrawn at that moment. If the other partner decides to go ahead with what they’re doing, they will end up crossing their partner’s boundaries.
ANA AND RICHARD
Ana has been dating Richard for the past 6 months and they have a relatively healthy sexual life. They are at a point where they can or at least they try to anticipate each other’s sexual needs. The last time they spent time together, Richard remembered he used to try anal play with his ex and she liked it. In the heat of the moment, he tried it on Ana without asking if she will be interested in that. Things went downhill after that because the tone in which she said No was enough to make him flaccid. Richard is and has always been big on consent so he did not see the need to try and talk Ana into trying it. He knew he made a mistake by not talking to her before trying it out.
Unfortunately, some women say No for the fun of it. When they say no, they get annoyed when the guy takes it as withdrawn consent.
PAULA AND ANDRE
Paula has been getting to know Andre for a month now and the sparks are all over. He’s putting in all the work. They’ve been on a few dates and they decided to have a sleepover at his place this time. Paula arrives at Andre’s hyped about the night and all the possibilitiesit holds. They made dinner together and Andre being a touchy person took every opportunity to kiss her hand, neck, and anywhere that was available. Paula was positively urging him on, not with words but she never seemed uncomfortable at any time. After eating, they decided to watch a movie. Things took a turn for the worse when Andre’s started touching Paula more sexually.
She said ’No’ and made sure to put space between them on the bed. She left Andre’s house the following morning in a sour mood. Andre texted her to apologize for overstepping and that was when he found out that Paula was annoyed because when she said No, he stopped. With her, she enjoys being persuaded to engage in any sexual act.
This is just one scenario I can remember. I have heard worse stories from other women. What these women don’t realize is that their inability to express themselves sometimes leads to men like Andre generalizing when it comes to women.
Babe, be mature enough to tell a guy what you want. You’re not 16 years, you do not have to be persuaded to engage in any sexual activity. It’s either you want it or you don’t. It is immature and unnecessary to want to be begged or given reasons why you should sleep with your man or any man you’re attracted to.
When you’re enjoying the moment and want it to continue, it’s okay to say Yes, don’t stop. You won’t die or disappear from the face of the earth for enjoying what’s going on.
I believe this is directly linked with women thinking they are cheap if they make men aware they like things right from the onset.
Sis! It's 2022, stop worrying so much about what they think. Don’t do it at all if you’re not sure but next time you say NO, I hope you mean NO and that there is no double meaning to it.