I was stiff as a log of wood in the bed even though I went there willingly. He moved to touch me and something in my brain just snapped.. It was a lot of feelings I’ve not been able to sort through even months after the incident. I thought I was ready, I really thought I was over it. I had so many pep talks with myself where I repeatedly said, I will not let what happened take control of me and how I relate to sex. It really was wishful thinking because, guess what, as much as I wanted to believe I was okay, I wasn’t.
This was what ensued during my first sexual encounter after I acknowledged I was sexually assaulted. and I would like to also add that it’s not an invitation to a pity party. I’ve heard so many similar stories of people being stifled after going through something so traumatic.
I’ve heard so many similar stories of people being stifled after going through something so traumatic. I’m only here to share and help in the best way I can. What worked for me may not necessarily work for other people, but I’m hoping it can resonate with at least 1 person who comes across this.
When I woke up this morning, my usual vibrant self, I had no idea that it was a day that would change time forever. I was sexually assaulted while under the influence of someone I felt I could trust. My no and I am not interested were clearly not enough for him. He did stop eventually, but at that point, the damage he could do to my sense of self and our friendship had already been done.
There was no going back. I didn’t acknowledge this incident for a month. To me, it was nothing. I was going about life normally until I stayed up one Friday night crying my eyes out because that was the moment I allowed myself to feel what I was feeling. I didn’t tell any of my friends about it till that particular morning. It was hectic, draining, and mentally brutal because I had shoved it down and pretended it didn't happen for a whole month. It was the day I acknowledged it that my woes began. Suddenly, I hated men. I didn’t want anything to do with them except my close male friends, of course. I didn’t want to be touched, even in a friendly way. I couldn’t concentrate on work because I was having emotional bouts where I’d start crying out of nowhere and panicking. I could pick up my laptop, stare at it for hours, and not do anything at all.
I knew it was affecting me, but I didn’t know what to do about it. I ended up quitting my job at some point because there was no motivation anyway. I felt like, at that particular moment, I was dragging everyone around me down to my level.
I didn’t have any big revelations, nothing major happened to tell me to start living again. I just woke up one day and realized how much this person, who isn’t in my life anymore, has taken from me. Maybe they didn’t do it directly, but I had lived the past months defining myself and my life by what happened. It became "my story" and I hated myself for it. I decided to find myself back, and I knew it wasn’t going to be easy, but I wanted to try it anyway. I decided to start doing things I loved again. After a few weeks, I felt I was ready to start talking to someone. I met an amazing person. We spoke for weeks, and things were great until he asked me to come over one night, so we hung out. I politely declined and, for him not to feel bad, I explained I wasn’t comfortable because I was healing from a sexual assault.
"Why would you wait all this time to tell me this? You couldn’t have chosen any other time than when I asked you to hang out with me? If you think I’m such a bad person, why have you been entertaining me? "
Honestly, I was taken aback because really, where did I go wrong? After that particular encounter, it felt to me like maybe, just maybe, I needed to go find my own healing before I bring someone else into it. I just thought that if I could find someone who was understanding and gentle with me, maybe I'd be able to enjoy sex again.
"Before the incident, I was confident, knew what I always wanted and knew where and who that person was for me. Everything was a blur for me after being sexually assaulted. I clamp up whenever someone brings up sex. It was new and different for me. It didn’t feel like me, but I also didn’t know what to do about it. "
For anyone out there who has been through this and is struggling to get their mojo back, I wish I could say I had some wise words for you to go on. I really do. Here are a few things I found out on my journey to where I am right now.
If you have come to terms with what happened and aren’t shoving it somewhere that you don’t need to acknowledge, it is important that when you start speaking to/seeing someone, you make them aware of your situation.
"Hey, I am really interested in you and seeing where this can go, but I am a sexual assault survivor and I can get triggers occasionally." I’ve been unable to pinpoint all of them, but I need you to know so that it doesn’t become an issue with time. Is that something you’re willing to go through with me? I will understand if it’s too much work.“
Communication is key if you are ready to embark on a rediscovery of your sexuality and who you are as a person. If this person decides they’re not up for it, that’s okay. You move on to the next. Just because one person couldn’t handle it doesn’t mean there’s no one out there who will be willing to handle it. It will only become an issue if you don’t seem willing to put in the work to become a better version of yourself. Don’t look for someone who is willing to accept who you are with all the pain and shame you feel, but rather for someone who is willing to help you rediscover yourself.
"You might not know all your triggers, but it’s also important to communicate the ones you know to this person you’re seeing."
I recently met an amazing guy, but for him, NO seemed to feel like a challenge for him. He’s stopped what he’s doing for a bit and jumped right into it with the thoughts that I may have changed my mind. There was clearly no way around this because when I say NO, it takes me right back to the night I was sexually assaulted. Avoid men who will knowingly push your triggers. It might help in healing for some people, but it doesn’t work for everyone.
Your brain plays a very important part in your healing journey. Be mindful of the thoughts you have. "
Irrespective of the circumstances in which your assault happened, it was not your fault. You did nothing wrong. You’re the victim. You survived it. You’re here every day trying to find ways to be a better version of yourself. There’s no shame in that. You had no control over the other person. Yes, I know you feel worthless and used whenever you think about it, but BABE, YOU’RE NOT DAMAGED GOODS.
You are worthy of the love that you envision for yourself. One person should not have the power to ruin it all for you.
Also, stop holding on to the version of yourself before you were sexually assaulted. You may never get that person back, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing either. Trust me, things will fall into place if you just work on being the best version of who you are right now. I can’t promise complete healing, but you’ll find some healing, alright. I love you and I’m proud of everyone who relates to this post.